I love to dance. Not only am I enthralled while watching it, but I have an unshakable energy inside me that wants so badly to get out through this art. Break dancing especially has always caught my eye. This year I've finally been privileged to learn from some genuine dancers, and I seem to have a knack for it. Practice has fallen nicely into place with my life, and I can see myself continuing for a long time. But I have this problem, well it feels more like someone else has this problem, because it certainly shouldn't be coming from me. The problem happens when I am called to show my stuff...break it out...take the center of the circle. Though I'm dying to free myself into the music and give my all to this passion, I'm stuck inside a bottle of insecurity. Ironic? One of the things I should love and should give purpose to my work, leaves me in a ball on the floor.
Why?
What am I afraid of?
I want so badly to shatter this bottle and just be the same in the spotlight as I am late at night all alone, with the earphones in and letting myself slip into the beat until it becomes a part of me. One moment I feel on top of the world and ready to kick trash, the next I'm shrinking inside and letting my doubts run the show.
I don't like connecting this issue directly with myself. I feel like I'm stuck inside this mind, screaming to be let free, arguing over and over again about who is in control. I know I can do my sets, I know I can do wonderfully, so why the flip do I hide? It doesn't make sense. This isn't who I am. But then again, I'm not the only one with this problem, right?
Perhaps it has something to do with that deep piece of ourselves we don't always wear on the outside. The emotions, passions, aches, desires...that are wrapped up inside of us, to precious to hold out in our hands for people to see. The human race is cruel, who knows if someone will point, grab, crush, laugh at, ignore, or criticize such a sensitive piece of our souls. Perhaps we feel our position on the social ladder is tedious, and by making a mistake or looking 'weird', 'bad', 'funny', etc, puts us down a few steps in someones eyes.
So we hide.
In reality, it doesn't matter what they think. For some reason people feel taller by shoving other people lower. It's backwards. The part victims forget about, is their own power. Someone can only put you down if you let them. You are who you are, not what they say you are.
I know the answers, and yet the inner battle still rages.
