Between Worlds

My life is going to be remodeled for the next five months, starting next Friday.

I will be living in Ukraine, with a native family, leaving all familiar people and surroundings behind in the United States. I'm going to the other side of the world!

I feel as if I've been awaiting this moment for a long time...oh wait, I have been! Originally this trip was suppose to happen twelve months ago, but it seems God has others plans for me. In fact, I was suppose to be going to Tehuacan Mexico, not Ukraine. He changed that too. I can't say I'm complaining about the location switch- I've never been to Europe and am thrilled at the chance to go. My language skills for that continant are at level zero....

God had so much to teach me this year. Unfortunately my dense skull had to take some pounding before it let these lessons in- but I am stronger for it now. It's been a year of intense emotional and mental growth, which has, honestly, left me feeling like a half-drowned child. So as I sit here, soaking wet and a handfull wiser, life is still running. My departure for Ukraine comes ever closer and I feel my heart clinging desparately to the people who've been my mortal guardian angels, as well as those I love and care for deeply. It seems they carry a piece of my heart and are an integrated part of who I am.

Loving people is a dangerous thing. It brings the most joy, and likewise, the most pain. I never came close to imagining how much pain love can put you through. I'm not only talking about 'romantic' love. I'm talking about love between family, love between friends, love for those you care for, Christ-like love for the strangers around you every day. It's like having a piece of yourself being placed inside someone else to do with as they please. Or taking a piece of someone inside yourself so you can share their sorrows, and joys. Love has opened my eyes to light and brought me more happiness and gratitude then I could possibly deserve.

Love is the most powerful of anything.

I feel like I would be nothing without it.

Okay I guess that tangent was the first lesson I've begun to see this year. Lesson two is trust- trust in our Heavenly Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ. Trust that He knows who I am and cares for me so deeply no mortal mind can comprehend it. Trust that He KNOWS what is going on and how to take care of me and those I hold dear. Trust in His matchless power and wisdom in using it. I know my faith is still so small, but sometime during these hard months God has helped me deepen the roots of my trust in Him. Truely it has felt like my only stability through each day. While I swam through the deep dark waters of trial and experience, He never left me alone or lost sight of me. When my heart was sure I would drown- He never let me sink. The times I thought I was truely alone were the times I refused to open my eyes and look to him for help.

So as I venture across new waters and into strange lands- I hope I might hold onto the knowledge and wisdom I've gained. I suppose, really, those are the only things you can always carry with you.

Magical Christmas Moment

Beautiful little Christmas happening. Gave me chills. :)

“Last December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas.

“My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six-year-old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant." I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there'd be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.

“So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment - songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer.

“So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love," I was slightly taken aback by its bold title. Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snow caps upon their heads. Those in the front row- center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

“The performance was going smoothly until suddenly we noticed her -- a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down --totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W". The audience of First through Sixth graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W". Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together.

“A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities. For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And, I believe, He still is.”

Although I don’t know the author of this story, I feel his or her love for Christ. I sense the beauty of the magical moment when a little girl ‘made a mistake’ and brought so much more to one elementary school program.

"The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance- and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning." -Oprah

To see you smile...

"A smile confuses an approaching frown."

Yesterday I realized how much it means to me when someone smiles. Especially when their world is upsidedown and it's all I can do to try and bring a grin to their face. I thought of all those songs that blabber on about how they would do anything to make their sweetheart smile for a moment...I use to never take them seriously. Perhaps I still shouldn't. But perhaps a few of them truely mean what they're singing...maybe that smile does mean the world to them.

"Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to. When all is said and done, I'd never count the cost. It's worth all that's lost. Just to see you smile"

-Tim McGraw

These thoughts occured to me when I was with a dear friend who had a hand on the walls of heck. In one blessed moment something I said brought a smile, and it just made my whole world. I felt like I was willing to spend any time with them focused solely on their happiness. I didn't matter anymore. I believe it when people say the only was to find yourself, is to lose yourself. I've been so focused inward- and honestly, I'm sick of myself! Haha. Though it can also bring unbelievable pain, loving others is worth every tear and doubt. Nothing would work without it. Nothing matters without it.

Something inside our confused human self tells us we have to have the last word, that we have to come up on top, that we have to be right, and that the other person has to know it. It blinds us into thinking we have the right to demand revenge. The right to withold our love. The right to be the best and kick up our dust in everyones face. What a worthless and cruel waste of time! I am as guilty as the next person in letting pride climb above love on my priority list, and it makes me sick. What do we think it's going to give us in the end? A pat on the back? A boost of self worth? More like an empty heart and a mind full of regrets.

Weakness gives into anger. Strength holds onto love. Justice will be served by one who knows it's process only too well. By trying to carry it out ourselves we merely drill scars into our own hearts.

Love is the only thing that can save the world. In fact, it's the only thing that has. May we be quicker to lay down our swords and open our hearts to heal and be healed.

Thought Pathway

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. . . To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." ---Thoreau

A chip off my bucket list...

My adorable cousin Kailee came over tonight and interviewed me for her English project...I was curious when I first heard she wanted to use me, haha, as she didn't say what exactly her project was. Turns out her class just finished reading 'Star Girl' and her assignment was to interview someone 'uniqiue'. Haha! I love my life. I'm the special one...



One of the questions she asked me was what some of my goals/aspirations in life are. I blanked at first, then furiously tried to organize the millions of thoughts hurling themselves onto my stage. Now that I'm done being questioned I decided I wanted to write a few of my 'dreams' down. These aren't the top-of-the-list-serious-live-or-die dreams, just a handful of items on my bucket list.

*Go skydiving (hopefully multiple times)
*Be an EFY couselor
*Serve a full-time LDS mission
*Write a successful novel
*Publish and put into circut my magazine
*Get a pilot's license
*Go up in a hot air balloon
*Be in a legit breakdance crew
*Be a professional photographer
*Own or work on a horse rescue/abused youth therepy ranch
*Be a journalist
*Live in New York above a bakery
*Be fluent in Spanish, ASL, German, Italian, and Chinese
*Be a concert violinist
*Sing on a successful album
*Be an advanced guitar and ukulele player
*Be an amazing juggler
*Drive a race car
*Be in a broadway show
*Be declared a remarkable cook
*Ride an elephant
*Be a professional service dog trainer
*Be EMT certified
*Live on a houseboat...as my house

Ok maybe that was two handfulls.

Inside Out

I love to dance. Not only am I enthralled while watching it, but I have an unshakable energy inside me that wants so badly to get out through this art. Break dancing especially has always caught my eye. This year I've finally been privileged to learn from some genuine dancers, and I seem to have a knack for it. Practice has fallen nicely into place with my life, and I can see myself continuing for a long time. But I have this problem, well it feels more like someone else has this problem, because it certainly shouldn't be coming from me. The problem happens when I am called to show my stuff...break it out...take the center of the circle. Though I'm dying to free myself into the music and give my all to this passion, I'm stuck inside a bottle of insecurity. Ironic? One of the things I should love and should give purpose to my work, leaves me in a ball on the floor.

Why?

What am I afraid of?

I want so badly to shatter this bottle and just be the same in the spotlight as I am late at night all alone, with the earphones in and letting myself slip into the beat until it becomes a part of me. One moment I feel on top of the world and ready to kick trash, the next I'm shrinking inside and letting my doubts run the show.

I don't like connecting this issue directly with myself. I feel like I'm stuck inside this mind, screaming to be let free, arguing over and over again about who is in control. I know I can do my sets, I know I can do wonderfully, so why the flip do I hide? It doesn't make sense. This isn't who I am. But then again, I'm not the only one with this problem, right?

Perhaps it has something to do with that deep piece of ourselves we don't always wear on the outside. The emotions, passions, aches, desires...that are wrapped up inside of us, to precious to hold out in our hands for people to see. The human race is cruel, who knows if someone will point, grab, crush, laugh at, ignore, or criticize such a sensitive piece of our souls. Perhaps we feel our position on the social ladder is tedious, and by making a mistake or looking 'weird', 'bad', 'funny', etc, puts us down a few steps in someones eyes.

So we hide.

In reality, it doesn't matter what they think. For some reason people feel taller by shoving other people lower. It's backwards. The part victims forget about, is their own power. Someone can only put you down if you let them. You are who you are, not what they say you are.

I know the answers, and yet the inner battle still rages.